U.S. Army Ends 24 Year Long Hunt For Stocky Alien

(Six Flags) Valencia, CA: Alf, best know for his starring role in the NBC reality show ‘ALF’ (1986-1990) has died following an incident on The Riddler’s Revenge at the Los Angeles based Magic Mountain theme park. ALF, one of just a handful of survivors from the planet Melmac, has been on the run from the U.S. Army ever since his exploratory craft was forced down by mechanical failure. Luckily his spaceship crashed in a suburban middle-class Los Angeles neighborhood. He became a household name when NBC executives were tipped off about the incident and the generous support from the Tanner family. NBC rolled cameras for 4 seasons and green-lighted several dead in the water spin offs about the Alien Life Form’s unusual antics.

Ride Engineer Terrence Spriggs discussed today’s fatal incident with CHN, “He wasn’t tall enough,” Spriggs admitted. “He was under the line but I let him hop on just for a minute; I always tell everyone to hang on but I think he was high or something; might of slipped in soft-frozen lemonade”.

The Los Angeles Deputy Coroner was called out to the scene but refused to remove the mangled corpse because ‘the remains were not human’. Park Management believes that the furry carcass will likely be ‘taken care of’ by stray dogs who regularly breach the park fences searching for churros and barf ‘.

ALF has been far from public view over the past decade following a collection of failed projects such as the animated ALF Tales, ALF’s Talk Show, and re-occurring appearances on Hollywood Squares. Sources say that the 4′ tall Alien became infatuated with figure skating and trained for months in an attempt to make his own Olympic run. Rumors that ALF might land a spot on Season II of Dancing with The Stars fell flat when CBS announced that Lil’ Romeo would take the final position instead.

A long court battle with The Animal Liberation Front (also known as ALF) is said to have drained most of his fortune. He contended until the very end that they were just after him because of his steady diet of cats.

His experience with space travel did lead to once promising negotiations for a joint venture with NASA in 2009. However, severe budget cutbacks to the program and the fact that the Army was still hot on his trail led to complete dissolution of any agreement late last year.

CHN attempted to contact former ALF co-star Max Wright (Mr. Tanner) for comment but he had his hands full with a crack pipe and was balls deep in some dude.

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