GeorgeCarlin.tv

Always do whatever’s next.

George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

George Carlin

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

George Carlin

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

George Carlin

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin

I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.

George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

George Carlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

George Carlin

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.

George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

George Carlin

The status quo sucks.

George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

George Carlin

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

George Carlin

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

George Carlin

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

George Carlin

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

George Carlin

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

George Carlin

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

George Carlin

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

George Carlin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

George Carlin

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

George Carlin

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

George Carlin

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

George Carlin

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

George Carlin

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

George Carlin

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

George Carlin

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

George Carlin

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

George Carlin

Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!

George Carlin

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

George Carlin