Na’vi Hero Looks Backs On An Epic Struggle To Save A Planet Despite The Constant Distractions of Neytiri’s Blue Nipples
Pandora, Alpha Centauri: Jake Sully never would have guessed that just a year after accepting big bucks to provide some extra muscle for a mining company on Polyphemus’ moon that he would be putting the final touches on a tell all book ‘Avatar‘ and oh yeah btw, he is now a 10′ tall dragon taming hero. Sully tells CHN that he is taking that and his presumed life long love affair with Na’vi Princess Neytiri all in stride.
“It’s been a rollercoaster”, said Sully as he looked back on how he gave his word to help kill and displace the blue sapient humaniods only to eventually provide for the killing and displacement of just some of them in addition to the unexpected killing of the humans that hired him. “What a ride!” shouted Sully, as he opened up on the details during a lengthy 162 minute story (that required two bathroom breaks) before completion. Jake described his transition from a stereotypical white Army Jar-head to the ‘Awesomest member of the Na’vi tribe‘. “These blue giants love me,” boosts Sully.
“I almost gave into Colonel Miles Quaritch because he promised me my legs back,” admitted the formerly paraplegic Sully. “The Colonel had no idea that the Na’vi offered me a giant blue body, a princess, delicious fruits, my own dragon thing, and what I’m hoping will soon be a full unobstructed view of Neytiri’s nipples.
Critics have applauded Jake Sully’s effort, but have taken Sully to task over his admittedly, ‘complete and full desire’ to get a ‘good straight look at Neytiri’s lung pillows’. Sully writes, “Often I found myself sort of noticing what I thought was areola out of the corner of my eye; I would quickly turn my head for a better look. Inevitably, it would always be too late or it was just that damn beaded body decor again. Believe me, I knew where those melon tips should have been and I kept trying to sneak a look without anyone noticing”.
But was the titty taunting purposeful or just the coquettish way of the Na’vi? Sully admits that he really can’t be sure even though he has asked the Tree of Voices many times about blue funbags in addition to other topics such as the elusive Na’vi g-spot and if any sort of contraception exists in their culture aside from the traditional pull-out method.
Sully offered us the following sneak peak into Avatar the book:
“In retrospect, maybe my constant infatuation with Neytiri’s baby feeders were not the only factor that fell Hometree. I also spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the Na’vi female genitalia looked like and I guess I disappeared more than a few times to just get to know myself a little bit better. This whole thing may stem from my infatuation with the 1980′s American Cartoon The Smurfs and my carnal desire to get just one peak at that little strumpet Smurfette.
Clearly as the plot unfolded around me I should have picked up on the obvious connection between today’s search for the mineral (Unobtanium) and the plundering 150 years ago by Americans for oil that led them to destroy the pristine Muslim culture of the Middle East for no reason whatsoever. I mean, no reason other than retribution for George Bush knocking down two buildings in New York as a trick that he could blame on loving and defenseless Muslims.
But as time passes, I’ve learned to stop beating myself up for the fall of Hometree and to stop beating off to the thought of a clear sight line to those boob buttons.
In fact, who could have guessed that the hired guns from the RDA Corporation would want to knock over a gigantic tree that would only then be presumably in their way as they tried to access and excavate the surrounding area for the valuable Unobtanium. Seems like they might have considered using a “slope mine” excavation technique just like Americans were using 200 years ago; it’s more efficient and a good method to protect against environmental factors such as erosion and deforestation. It would have saved the RDA Corporation a ton of money that they spent on bombing and it would have left the tree in place for like… a cool tourist area or something.
I suppose I just should have known better. If a huge company led by white people is left to their own devices, the first thing they will seek is the destruction of native peoples, their religion, and culture (even if they have no profit motive to do so). But none of that matters now because I helped unite a coalition of the willing to repel the evil mining company henchmen. We even made sure to ship them all off of our planet forever; their kind just aint welcome here. On Pandora, it’s go blue or go home.
