Everyone is starting to do retrospectives of the Bush years. We’re not that smart, so we rely on things like MAD Magazine to help us remember what happened. Hare are the Bush Years: as told by MAD Magazine covers. Enjoy.

 

Bush Steals The 2000 Election

 

 

9/11

 

 

Anthrax Attacks

 

 

The Post-9/11 Economy Tanks

 

 

Bush Declares Victory in Iraq

 

 

Bush’s Approval Rating Declines

 

 

Abu Ghraib

 

 

Hurricane Katrina

 

 

Bush’s Approval Ratings Go Even Lower

 

 

Dick Cheney Shoots a Guy in the Face

 

 

We Find Out Our Planet is Dying

 

 

Senator Larry Craig Has a “Wide Stance”

 

 

The Rest of the World Gains on Us

 

 

Obama Wins the Democratic Nomination

 

 

It Becomes Cool To Go Green

 

 

Obama Wins the Presidency, Restores Hope in America

 

 

 

Being a twin can either lead to wacky hijinks or completely suck. The 1988 movie “Twins”, for example, is about a pair of unlikely twins accidentally created by scientists. Arnold Schwarzenegger is smart and muscle-y and Danny DeVito is a grossout lowlife. Being the “DeVito Twin” would suck. But for a lot of celebrity siblings, that’s pretty much what they are. Here are the bottom 7 twins of celebrities.

 

7. Daniel Heder

 

 

One is Napoleon Dynamite. The other is his less-successful Mormon brother. And nobody ever says, “Hey aren’t you the less-successful Mormon brother of Napoleon Dynamite?”

 

6. Leslie Hamilton

 

 

Do you think that Linda Hamilton’s identical sister cries every time she drives past the estate of James Cameron? And, if so, do you think Linda can feel it?

 

5. Hunter Johansson

 

 

Lots of women would probably like to look like Scarlett Johansson. I’m sure Hunter wouldn’t mind if he’d ended up looking exactly like her, with her exact career. Instead he just got those glasses.

 

4. Patricia Bundchen

 

 

You know what would suck? Being a fairly-attractive Brazilian broad, but having your fucking twin sister be Gisele Bundchen, the quarterback-banging supermodel. It would probably suck to be a non-twin sister of a supermodel. Now imagine that, with a slight chromosomal twist, you’d be the one who doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000. Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!

 

3. Michael Kutcher

 

 

Ooff. Ashton Kutcher’s twin brother was punk’d by life.

 

2. Ozzie Canseco

 

 

How many times has Ozzie regretted turning down steroids? Well, Jose hit 462 home runs in his career. Ozzie hit zero. So the correct answer is 462 times.

 

1. Paul Diesel

 

 

That’s probably not his real name. But Vin Diesel’s brother looks like if Paul Giamatti played a gay ’70’s porn star. In other words, he looks like if Paul Giamatti played Vin Diesel.

 

Before everybody starts complaining about the new batch of reality show cliches, just try to honestly remember how bad most sitcoms used to be. At lunch we were pretentiously discussing the creative integrity of BBC shows for ending themselves before they were creatively spent, and the freedom alloted to animation shows like The Simpsons for never having to age their characters. Don’t get us wrong, we also discussed strip clubs. But in 1974, The Brady Bunch was in its final season and added it’s young ‘Cousin Oliver’ to the mix. The term ‘Cousin Oliver Syndrome’ has been used ever since when producers introduce a young character to the mix to replace aging child stars. The results are always terrible. Here are the 5 worst ‘new cute kid’ TV characters from the past 30 years. Enjoy yourselves.

 

5. Nicky and Alex Katsopolis, Full House (1992)

 

 

Have mercy! Let’s say your name is ‘Uncle Jesse’ and you’re old rocker friends with The Beach Boys and your TV show producer wife gets pregnant. Would you get your own place? Naw. Just live in the fucking attic of your buddy’s house. Nevermind 9 people live there. The kids will be cute little Dutch Boys who laugh at Uncle Joey’s goddamned moose impressions. Except the audience didn’t give a shit, while the Olsens went on to create Dualstar and make billions off of shit like To Grandmother’s House We Go. You DON’T got it, dude. Oh yeah, and you’re in big trouble misters.

 

4. Seven Wanker, Married With Children (1992)

 

 

Peggy had some hillbilly family in Wanker County, Wisconsin (”home of the gassy beaver”). Pretty highbrow stuff. Bobcat Goldthwait and Linda Blair played his parents – Cousin Zemus and Cousin Ida Mae. Until he went missing or something the next season. Holy shit, that’s great writing! Never mind that Wisconsin has pretty much nothing to do with turn-of-the-century Appalachian bumpkin stereotypes. Just give us more queefing jokes! They were from Jack-offsvile, where pussies queef and whatnot! Best. Show. Ever.

 

3. Andrew Keaton, Family Ties (1986)

 

 

Poor guy. You thought Tina Yothers had it rough in adolescence. Alex P. Keaton wouldn’t be caught dead with this creep now. Even though Keaton was a Republican and, from the looks of him, Andrew probably supported Sarah Palin. He got those vampire teeth by sucking the life out of this series and forcing everyone to watch A Different World on Thursdays, following The Cosby Show. Which reminds us…

 

2. Olivia Kendall, The Cosby Show (1989)

 

 

You probably know her better as Raven-Symone. And she was Denise’s stepdaughter. Remember? Rudy went through an uncute period and Denise met that Naval officer in Africa? That was before Cousin Pam also moved in to the house and really fucked things up. Anyway, the final season’s plot line revolved around Olivia increasing exponentially in size until she finally eats Cousin Pam in the series finale, right before the credits roll. Then she mugged to the camera and said something about pudding.

 

1. Scrappy-Doo (1979)

 

 

Because the other series’ we’ve mentioned had the handicap of not getting to use animation, inserting a cartoon puppy into the mix of other cartoons wins the award for creative desperation. Although we admit that we like that Scrappy-Doo’s mother’s name is Ruby-Doo. Still. It’s animation. You don’t need to suck the same way regular shows suck.

 

It’s 2009 everybody. Maybe you’ve read last year’s musings about it already. But it’s ‘09, and you tried to hit the reset button like you do every year. The only problem is that you’re too lazy and mediocre to pull off any of the shit you drunkenly promised yourself on New Years Eve. Here are the top 6 New Years resolutions you’ve already failed at.

 

6. Join A Gym

 

 

What are you – a millionaire? And when would you go – at 6am when there’s no way you’ll get up or at 6pm when you just feel like going home? Exactly. Leave the gym to meatheads, power bottoms and divorcee cougars. And if you are a millionaire, you don’t really need a gym to get ass.

 

5. Reduce Stress

 

That was easy to say over your two week fucking vacation from work, wasn’t it? Welcome back to work and the shitstorm that is your life. How are those Christmas expenses looking now, hotshot? Valentine’s Day is just around the corner too. Go roll yourself a joint.

 

4. Spend More Time With My Family

 

 

No. Out of sight, out of mind. The holiday season (when you thought of this doosey) was magical. Now it’s not Christmas and it’s just cold out. Blame the economy and your cell phone bill for your unreturned calls. And don’t be guilt tripped. It’s not like they’re all-of-a-sudden awesome to be around.

 

3. Stop Smoking

 

 

Yeah right. It’s 2009. If you haven’t stopped by now, it’s not like your puny willpower will somehow change its ways in the New Year. You were probably crabby for a few hours and then caved in secretly after you told yourself you’d only smoke when you drank from now on. That’s how you started, asshole.

 

2. Quit Drinking

 

 

You weren’t gonna make it until the Super Bowl, anyway. Plus, why would you do that to yourself? It’s like, the one thing you have.

 

1. Go On A Diet

 

 

Things were going so well until you cracked open your new diet book and saw ‘Day One: Tuscan Herb Salmon’ and thought, ‘Fuck this. I don’t know how to cook this stuff’ and promptly headed to the drive through. How good are cheeseburgers, dude? Yeah. They’re pretty damn good.