Funny Stuff from George Carlin and Other Comedians
From CC Insider…
As you know, Valentine's Day commemorates that unforgettable day in 1986 when actor Scott Valentine invented love. And every year on February 14, we each struggle in our own way to find the words to express how we feel about our friends and loved ones. Well, this year why not let a TV show do it for you? Just send them one of these special Valentine's cards from The Sarah Silverman Program.
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Even though Canada is literally a mere fifteen miles from my house, my knowledge of our neighbors to the north is pretty limited. But I do know that Canadians like their bacon round, their syrup maple and their comedians Russell Peters-y. And today, Russell Peters' DVD and CD Red, White and Brown is available from Comedy Central. Here are some uncensored clips from the special.
The Daily Show‘s Larry Wilmore is counting down the days to Black History Month on his website with a series of videos featuring his random black thoughts. Click the image to check them out.
Personally, I suffer from crippling white guilt, so I always try to avoid having any black thoughts at all, not to mention Asian thoughts, Hispanic thoughts, Native-American thoughts or dark-skinned Caucasian thoughts.
But even on my best days, I too have the occasional random black thought. If this happens to you to, just do what I do: Find a random African American and give him or her a reparations hug.
Man, I don't know about you, but I love The Beatles. The only hard part is deciding which Beatle was my favorite. John Lennon? Ringo Starr? Zach Braff? Thurgood Marshall? Baby Jessica? God, there are so many great Beatles, but I think I have to go with Sir Paul McCartney. And he's going to be on The Colbert Report tomorrow!
If you're a press release aficionado, you'll want to read the rest of that one. It's the White Album of press releases.
I'm a middle-class, college-educated wiener, so I naturally do my best to be a good liberal. I know global warming is man-made and believe when that man is finished making the globe warm, he should be allowed to marry another man, preferably one who opposes using assault rifles to drill in ANWR. But abortion is a tough issue for me. It seems no matter how many I have, I still find them a hair on the unpleasant side. Don't worry though, I'll keep trying.
What can you say about Patton Oswalt? He's simply one of the best comedians of the modern era. And today he's 40. To celebrate, he's doing a show at LA's UCB Theater tonight with Blaine Capatch, Brian Posehn, Karen Kilgariff and Dana Gould. You can read more info here.
Rather than flap my e-gums in the normal fashion, I think it makes more sense to just paste what Patton himself wrote on his blog about this so-called milestone. As with everything Patton does, it's wonderful:
Comedians
are a superstitious lot. We secretly fear things like irrelevancy and
un-hipness in ways that only the excluded and left out can. We’re
always afraid of things like marriage and children and “selling out”,
as if these things are supernatural beings humming with a sort of Dark
Magic, some force that will rob of us of our comedic mojo.
But
watch people like Louis CK and Bill Cosby and Tina Fey. They get
married and raise families, and just get better and more incisive and
wise as every new dimension of life opens up to them. Irrelevancy can
also befall the unmarried, ironic T-shirt wearing “rebels” who want
life frozen at 22 forever.
In fact, the only thing that can
truly destroy a comedian – or any artist – is paying attention to
benchmarks like “20” and “30” and “40”, or any new set of tens. Turning
away from your age, and from the loss of life, is the deepest sort of
fear and childishness. There’s nothing creepier than the new generation
of twenty-somethings who act like giggly twelve year-olds. And there’s
nothing sadder than someone over forty still acting like they’re home
from college freshman year, trying to shock their parents over
Thanksgiving dinner by declaring they’re an atheist.
I’m
turning 40. I can’t wait to be 60. And 70. I think when I turn 50 I’ll
wear the same suit every day and look like a cool demonologist with my
grey hair. Maybe I should get a swordcane. A 20-something couldn’t pull
that off.
For more Patton, be sure to check his official site where he blogged about Sundance last week. And after the jump, you can watch a video of Patton in Park City interviewing the "oh my god" kid from Troll 2.
Hey, how's Michael Vick doing? That's what you're always asking, right?
It's all the time with you, Michael Vick this and Michael Vick that. So
you'll be pleased as punch to know that he took an Empathy for Animals
course at PETA a year and a half ago after which he was given a test to
see what he'd learned. And now, on PETA's blog, they've released his
graded test. Believe it or not, Vick passed. With a C.
So,
you know, good news, but I'd still say wait for at least a B+ before
you let him dog-sit. He can probably bring in your mail for you. Maybe
he could water your plants too, but don't be surprised if you come home
to find your azaleas have mauled the chrysanthemums to death.
Here's hoping Plaxico Buress does at least this well on his People for the Ethical Treatment of Legs test.
If there's one book that I always wished would be turned into a movie, it's probably Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. So, you know, sometimes wishes do come true.
But if there's another book I'd like to see adapted for the screen, it very well might be a Charles Portis book. He's written some of the richest and funniest characters I've ever read, so obviously it's good news that Greg Mottola and Bill Hader are going to make a Dog of the South movie.
For a bunch of stuff about Adventureland and more with Greg Mottola, check out the full interview at Heeb.
I don't know about you, but when I get the ability to travel through time I'm going to use it so I can look at naked ladies in the shower. And no, I'm not confusing time-travel with invisibility. I'm going to take my toothbrush into the future where it'll be a priceless antique worth all kinds of money, and then I can pay naked ladies to let me look at them in the shower. Anyway, Paul Scheer's time-travel ideas aren't as sexy as mine, but they're funnier. (NSFW)
As you may have seen yesterday, after a long battle, Kyle Cease edged out Jeff Dunham to win this year's Stand-Up Showdown. Kyle made an impressive pull from behind by rallying his fans around the contest, thanking voters by name in his podcast and posting special get-out-the-vote videos on his Myspace. Speaking of which, here's a thank-you video he posted Saturday, after voting had ended but before the winner was announced.
Rounding out the top five were Dan Cummins, Doug Benson and Tammy Pescatelli. Congratulations to all the competitors.