Onion News Network – Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections at Any Given Time

60068391 145x80 generated Onion News Network   Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections at Any Given Time

A Greyhound bus crash claims 30 miserable lives, a Stanford study finds no logical reason why planes are able to fly, and a local man goes and gets himself hit by a goddamn bus. It’s the week of April 23rd, 2012.

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Added: Fri May 04 02:03:21 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Apr 27 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:43
Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Onion News Network – Eric Cantor Tossed by Bucking Mitch McConnell During Congressional Rodeo

60064717 145x80 generated Onion News Network   Eric Cantor Tossed by Bucking Mitch McConnell During Congressional Rodeo

A local man is proud he can still fit into his car from high school, "Stray To Be Destroyed" tops the list of cat names for the 24th straight year, and a Pekingese is really letting itself go since winning Westminster. It’s the week of April 16th, 2012.

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Added: Sun Apr 29 01:42:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Apr 20 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:34

Onion News Network – Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due to Facebook

60065846 145x80 generated Onion News Network   Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due to Facebook

A troubling report finds that by 2040 every presidential candidate will be unelectable to political office due to their embarrassing Facebook posts.

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Added: Sat Apr 28 04:58:21 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Apr 17 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:28

Onion News Network – Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around for Four Years, Now It’s Our Turn

60063163 145x80 generated Onion News Network   Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around for Four Years, Now Its Our Turn

While most Democrats plan to vote for Obama in November, they continue to tell pollsters they’re "undecided" just for the fun of messing with the president’s head.

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Added: Mon Apr 23 01:31:16 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Apr 12 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:37

Onion News Network – Reporter Helps Starving Dogs by Personally Shooting Them

60060652 145x80 generated Onion News Network   Reporter Helps Starving Dogs by Personally Shooting Them

After an earthquake renders hundreds of dogs homeless, reporter O’Brady Shaw pledges to put down every last animal himself. (Aired 10/18/11)

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Added: Mon Apr 23 01:31:15 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Apr 09 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:03
Rating: 4.1 / 5.0

Onion News Network – After 1 Week in New York Tim Tebow Already a Gay, Homeless Crack Addict

60056831 145x80 generated Onion News Network   After 1 Week in New York Tim Tebow Already a Gay, Homeless Crack Addict

Tim Tebow has fallen into sin, Tiger Woods is adequate again, and the Mets are questionable for opening day, but Doc Brooks and Kenny Kennedy still hate each other. It’s GOOMF!

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Added: Fri Apr 13 01:58:26 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Mar 29 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:40

Onion News Network – Joad Cressbeckler Denies He Incited Mob to Drag Congressman Through Briar Patch

60055380 145x80 generated Onion News Network   Joad Cressbeckler Denies He Incited Mob to Drag Congressman Through Briar Patch

Joad says he can’t be blamed for Rep. Cummings being dragged through a briar patch just because he called for the congressman to be dragged through a briar patch.

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Added: Fri Apr 13 01:58:26 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Mar 20 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:30

Onion News Network – Small-Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon

60056222 145x80 generated Onion News Network   Small Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon

Pennington, IL mayor Sue Hallinan resigns in shame after passing bad coupons at the local Kroger. (Aired 10/4/11)

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Added: Fri Apr 13 01:58:26 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Mar 26 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:23

Onion News Network – Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air

60057315 145x80 generated Onion News Network   Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air

Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras.

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Added: Fri Apr 13 01:58:26 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Mar 27 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:41

Onion News Network – Shelby Cross Warns Women Self-Defense Classes “A Trap”

60059109 145x80 generated Onion News Network   Shelby Cross Warns Women Self Defense Classes A Trap

Cross Examination host Shelby Cross shows women how to physically defeat their self-defense instructors. (Aired 10/18/11)

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Added: Thu Apr 12 08:33:16 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Apr 02 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:00